Journey to Mother's Day

Today has brought so many emotions for me. This time three years ago Mark and I felt the desire and were preparing to start a family. Little did we know the journey God was about to take us on. At first it was fun to imagine and anticipate when I would get pregnant etc. as I started to imagine what holidays and other events would look like with a baby. As time went on, some of these feelings shifted. The pictures were still there but the excitement was replaced with a deep longing. Each month felt like a constant cycle of emotions from feeling hopeful to disappointment to grieving only for it to repeat itself again the next month. It seemed everywhere I turned another friend was announcing their pregnancy and although I was happy for them it always left me with the question of "when will it be me?" A year ago in April we were to the point of needing to take the next step in fertility treatments. My doctor who I love referred us to a specialist and we sat down for a consultation. As he went through the next step, the procedures, and the odds he got down to the bottom line- although I was a prime candidate and the odds were in my favor there were no guarantees there would be a baby. Adoption was always in the back of our minds. Thankfully Mark had told me early on before we ever knew there would be a problem, that it did not matter to him how we had a family whether it was of our own DNA or through adoption he just wanted to be a father. Little did I know how important this would be to me as I never had to worry that I was failing him in some way by not getting pregnant. As we left the office we knew we needed to make a choice. We could pursue fertility treatments or begin the adoption process. Once again, Mark trusted me with the decision of what I felt I could handle. I needed the assurance and the guarantee there would be a baby at the end of the road. I knew I could not handle any more emotions and a life lived in a doctor's office to try and get pregnant. Mother's Day a year ago was a day of heartache and yearning. So many around me who began trying the same time we did had not only gotten pregnant, had their baby, but we were attending first birthday parties. It is such an isolating and lonely place to be. You feel selfish but don't know how to get past the hopelessness and grief of a loss of something you think you will never have. Shortly after Mother's Day we began the adoption process. In October we were matched with an amazing birth mom and in December given the best Christmas miracle one could wish for. So here I am a year later celebrating my first Mother's Day. My feelings of loss and loneliness are no longer. My hopelessness has been replaced with joy. God was at work the whole time, it was just hard to see. This day has brought such an overwhelming sense of gratitude for our birth mom and the choice she made for Parker as well as for God's faithfulness. I look at Parker and know I was meant to be his mother all along. What a blessing. Thank you God for taking me on this journey. May I never forget all the ways you have provided for me.